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Disappointment can be a traumatic part of
childhood, and parents’ natural response may
be to shield their kids from the
difficulties life serves up. But remember,
learning to face little letdowns is a big
step to maturity.
My 10-year-old daughter, Deirdre was barely
through the door one winter day when I could
tell something was wrong. Her usual sunny
disposition was gone, replaced by a look of
pure dejection. "I didn’t make the team,"
she said as her backpack thudded to the
floor. For two weeks she had been faithfully
attending tryouts for the school volleyball
team, and she had her heart set on playing
alongside her best friend, a gifted athlete.
For Deirdre, this was the first time she
hadn’t been chosen for something she really
wanted. Failing to make the team was a
significant disappointment. Sooner or later,
disappointments rain down in life. Whether
it’s not making the cut for a volleyball
team or the invitation list for a birthday
party, failing a test or being hurt by a
friend, children will face tough times.
While none of us wants them to endure
rejection and disappointment, we do want
them to grow up to be capable of overcoming
life’s inevitable obstacles with vigor,
resilience, and determination. Yet parents
often feel they should try to spare their
children disappointment. In the mistaken
belief that the perfect childhood is
obstacle-free, some parents unknowingly
sabotage their child’s progress toward
growth and independence. Disappointment
involves emotional loss, a temporary wilting
of the spirit, thwarted desire. The wise
help their children to see these setbacks
for what they are- opportunities to temper
the spirit. Childhood disappointment is
actually a practice lap on the course to
adulthood. If you run interference whenever
disappointment threatens, you’re setting
kids up to run a marathon without ever
letting them train for it. "Parents often
respond too quickly when their child gets
hurt or disappointed," says Dr. Michael
Brody, a Washington, DC-based child
psychiatrist. "They placate them with a
movie or a ball game - anything to take the
bad feelings away. But this kind of instant
relief isn’t realistic or desirable." It
gives the child the message that he or she
is entitled to a consolation prize when
something goes wrong. "There is nothing
wrong with soothing a disappointment child,"
he adds, "but it’s no favor to spoil a child
by taking away every adversity."
Many parents today try too hard to smooth
away life’s rough edges in the hopes of
keeping disappointment at bay. Even worse,
they may encourage their children to blame
others -a coach or a teacher or another
child- when they hit a bump. Often these
children are in college before they suffer a
major disappointment -failing an important
exam, losing a romantic relationship, not
getting into the desired degree program.
Children with no experience in solving
life’s little setbacks have a much tougher
time when they’re faced with the big ones.
They feel entitled to success and simply
don’t know how to cope when a real stumbling
block presents itself.
Richard Sugarman, a family therapist at
Toronto’s Hospital for Sick Children, points
out an unintended but unmistakable message
of such parental concern. "Parents can give
their child the impression that he or she is
too fragile to deal with problems on their
own," he says. "If children believe they
can’t manage setbacks, chances are they’ll
avoid striving for things they want."
It’s important to communicate to your child
that you have confidence in his or her
ability to deal with problems. Let them know
it’s OK to fail, and that they simply have
to get out there and try again.
Having observed my daughter on the playing
fields and in the school gym, I sensed that
athletics was not her strongest suit. It
would take lots of work and determination to
transform her into a top-notch athlete. When
we sat down to talk about it, I gave her a
hug and told her I knew she was feeling hurt
and that I was sorry she hadn’t made the
cut, but that I was proud of her just for
trying. Then I asked her if she thought the
pick had been fair, and she said ... it was.
Derider was, I learned, quite aware of the
fact that she wasn’t one of the best
players. She had hoped, however, that she
could improve if she made the team and got
the benefit of good coaching. I asked her if
there was any other way to improve her
volleyball skills. Was there still a chance
to join an intramural team? She said she’d
find out. By encouraging my daughter to
talk, I let her know how important it is to
be truthful when facing up to
disappointment. Talking takes the sting out
of hurt feelings and leads to self-awareness
and a fair assessment of our abilities. Real
confidence is always built upon truth.
The day after our talk about the volleyball
team, Deirdre came home from school to
inform me that there were so many kids who
hadn’t made the team that the coach had
decided to set up a training team. The team
would give kids a chance to play and improve
in hopes of making the team next year.
Deirdre told me that she had joined and was
feeling pretty good about it. Oh, she added,
could she stay after school the next day?
The team she’d been cut from was playing the
first game of the season and she wanted to
cheer for her friends.
Not every situation has a happy ending. But
parents can use some simple and effective
guidelines to help kids overcome the
inevitable bumps in the road:
-
Urge your
child to express his or her feelings.
Don’t minimize or exaggerate the
situation.
-
Give kids
comfort but not a consolation prize.
-
Be honest
and realistic. If your child can’t carry
a tune, don’t encourage her to think
she’s going to be the next Barbara
Streisand.
-
Encourage
children to plan ways to overcome
obstacles.
-
Let your
children know that they can survive
life’s ups and downs and succeed at
what’s important to them.
When I was
growing up, my grandmother used to tell me
the story of Robert the Bruce, the
14th-century king of Scotland. After
rebelling against the English invaders, he
was defeated. At one point, he was hiding in
a cave, where he saw a spider trying to spin
a web across the entrance way. He carefully
observed the little creature as it tried
repeatedly, and failed repeatedly, to bridge
the gap. Eventually, however, it finally
managed to sail across the entrance way and
establish a connection on the other side,
whereupon it spun its web. His spirits
restored by the spider’s fierce persistence.
Bruce rallied himself and his troops and
went out to fight again, this time winning
independence for his country.
As a child, I used to think the story was
just a charming yarn, but as an adult I’ve
come to realize its value. I can’t protect
my children from disappointment, and I
wouldn’t really want to. What I want to
instill in them is the desire to become
independent people who are tough-minded and
self-reliant enough to keep going when the
going gets tough.
I want them to be people who will identify
their goals and persistently work to achieve
them. While I don’t know if my daughter will
make next year’s volleyball team. I’m proud
that she’s willing to try.
Alison Armstrong is the co-author of The
Child and the Machine: Why Computers May Put
Our Children’s Education at Risk (Robins
Lane Press). |
